if not now, when?
building a case for living remarkably
It’s November again. I turn 28 later this week. If I’m being honest, I feel like I floated through most of this year. Usually I’m much more jovial when Scorpio season starts, full of admiration for what’s to come. This year is different though, not only because of the news cycle but an on-and-off melancholic spell I haven’t been able to break for good for what seems like months. I remain good at starting things but not finishing them, paralyzed by a confusing middle. I’m overwhelmed by what I want to do and if I have the potential to see it through.
I think about where I was mentally last year, and while that version of me seems far away she is still with me. Birthdays not only signify renewal but reflection—goals accomplished and things left behind.
As I get closer to turning the page on 27, and blowing out a metaphorical or literal candle, I know that the time I spent interacting with other people is ultimately what carried me through each month, each week, each day—giggling with my friends and talking passionately about our ideas, feeding my partner food from the passenger seat of his car as we listen to our favorite songs, reading a Mary Oliver poem in my green bridesmaid dress at Arbela’s wedding, saying “hello” and “thank you” to my bus driver during my commute to work, smiling and exchanging compliments with baristas, holding the elevator for someone a few seconds behind me.
Last month, I found myself watching Parks & Recreation again, as a way to spend less time doomscrolling. I remember coming home from school one day as a teen and watching the pilot episode on Netflix, and quickly devouring season after season. It didn’t take long for my Tumblr to become infiltrated with Ben and Leslie GIFs. I was able to watch the final season in real time on NBC during my senior year of high school, in 2015.
Besides its humor and relatability of wanting to do better in a small Midwest town, what has always comforted me the most about Parks & Rec is its core cast of characters—how different they all are, and how much they care about each other and aren’t afraid to show it. While the backdrop of the show is local government, its themes of friendship and community were steady if not persistent, without wagging a finger at its audience.
Unwavering enjoyment of Leslie Knope & Co. aside, I still know this to be true: Parks & Rec is frozen in time, having started and finished during the entirety of the Obama administration, a well-known era of optimism for the future, especially for Millennials. In the years following the finale, Parks & Rec has been criticized for its naïveté. While I think this criticism is valid, the show was also realistic in its depiction of the spread of misinformation (when Leslie ran for City Council), and how hurt people can and will outnumber those who believe they are good at heart.
The election results have forced me (and many others) to confront the disheartening reality that most of us have turned inward. We are not as unified in our own communities as we thought we were. The results of living through a pandemic (and other major events) are still just as devastating socially and psychologically now as they were when COVID was initially announced.
This young century, Americans have collectively submitted to a national experiment to deprive ourselves of camaraderie in the world of flesh and steel, choosing instead to grow (and grow and grow) the time we spend by ourselves, gazing into screens, wherein actors and influencers often engage in the very acts of physical proximity that we deny ourselves. - Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out
The mandated isolation that was crucial to the health and safety of ourselves, our families, friends, and neighbors made it easy to justify pressing pause on showing up for people indefinitely. But one Atlantic writer, Derek Thompson, found that these trends predate the 2020s. He wrote, “Beyond in-person hanging, several other forms of socialization have declined by about a third in the past 20 years, including the share of Americans who volunteer.”
Why do we all want to be left alone so badly? I know this is a question that can be answered but I don’t have it in me to do it myself, because truthfully I wish we weren’t living with so much hesitation. But I can’t be self-righteous about this either, because I get stuck in my own head and contradict myself, too. I have a “Personal Focus” setting on my iPhone that is turned on every day, even on the weekends, yet I don’t want to be inaccessible to the people I care about.
In 2019, writer Melissa Fabello started an X/Twitter thread about a text she received from her friend, asking permission to vent. She offered a template to use when you don’t have the space to support someone, beginning with “Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. I’m actually at capacity.” This generated discourse about consent and boundaries in relationships, which is important, but the discussion brought forth the concept of friendship as emotional labor, which has resulted in the weaponization of fragmented therapy speech in the name of “self-care.”
Your feelings of joy are not fake if you are having them! […] Self-generate, don’t you see? Break the trap break the trap break the trap leave the trench! Activate the bomb in yourself and bust out, trick yourself out of that trench coat in any way you can!
Jenny Slate, Little Weirds
We shouldn’t be navigating our personal relationships as if an omniscient Human Resources is closely watching. We owe it to each other to keep the belief alive that we will find our way back to a place of warmth and enthusiasm, our arms outstretched.
As I get older, I refuse to be jaded, despite any heartache or disappointment I may be dealing with. Our capacity to take up and hold space is an art. The desire to live a remarkable life should be rooted in our ability to care about others. Moving forward, I want my heart to be an envelope that won’t close, stuffed to the brim.
There is a green in the air,
Soft, delectable.
It cushions me lovingly. - “Letter in November” by Sylvia Plath“The internet is both a cause of risk-mitigating behaviors and a refuge from an offline world that threatens heartbreak and unrequited feelings,” - Cafe Hysteria’s review of Intermezzo by Sally Rooney is one you don’t want to skip.
“I’ve been biding my time for November, a month that spends days like they’re minutes.” from stop waiting and start doing by Julianna
The Atlantic: “The Friendship Paradox” by Olga Khazan
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